On a bit of a roll tonight: after updating with two posts I decided to fill in my profile, more for my own interest than anything. I've never sat down and thought "what sort of books, music and movies do I like?" Took me quite a while to come up with a list of movies and music although the books weren't difficult. I don't remember why I love Cosi but I do, I know I do. And I am nothing if not a Broadway slut.

Clicking through my interests to browse other people's blogs is an awesome feature and for that reason I'll not be clearing my profile; look, ma, other people like Bela Fleck!

Blogger, you impress me. I may even proofread my posts before publishing... maybe.

Yuck

What the fuck?!?!?!? I don't watch Australian Idol unless it's still on while I'm waiting for another show so when I read snarky recaps and laugh my way through the forums I'm doing so as a virgin viewer. Sure, I see the last few minutes when the two hosts exchange unfunny comments with the same, desperate look in their eyes that tells me they know their 15 minutes is almost up and obscurity is practically biting them on the arse. I also see the 5 second clips of each contestant warbling their way through the entire Celine Dion back catalogue, and I wince. I see just enough each week to have me throw up a meal or two and considering I'm getting a bit porky and am too cheap to pay for laxatives or some sort of lip stapling surgery, I consider it good viewing.

So, I switch turn the tele on at 8pm for The Simpsons and quickly realise that 10 has fucked me over again.

Observations:

Just because you can open your mouth and have a vaguely pleasing sound come out does not mean you can sing. I am a singer, and spectacularly unsuccessful at it, which I've come to accept, but I could do what any one of the contestants do with my eyes closed; which is why I've come to accept that I am a bad singer. I've clearly missed the awfulness of their performances to date but NONE of these fuckers can sing. They have shithouse pitch and drag out notes. Shithouse sense of rhythm too. Oh, and little hand gestures while you sing? Doesn't detract from your awful, AWFUL performance. Are the nation's tweens and angry loners so completely tone death that they cannot identify good and bad singers? Quit watching and voting; quit buying the cds and the mobile phone content that they're selling and the show will disappear.

Marcia is putting out an album. It is disco. Enough said? Probably, but while pimping it on the show the one with the unkempt hair asked her where she got the disco ball earring she was wearing on the cover. Marcia said it was photoshopped on. The one with the unkempt hair was disappointed as apparently the short one with the dog's arse face wanted some shiny disco balls of his own. The one with the unkempt hair didn't appear to notice what was implied in his joke. I doubt he ever, ever will. Idiot.

Kyle is retarded. not retarded as in a great big fuckingfuckwitcunt but retarded as in genuinely backward. His eyes say it all. As does his choice of phrase, and I quote "I realise how stupid some people are that live in the public". This was in relation to the choice of the bottom three. Yes, Kyle, you is so fucking brilliant and you is much smarter than what that public what live out there in the real world are. Give the man an IQ test, and prove me wrong!

I don't understand this show. There's no talent, most of the contestants are fucking ugly, the hosts are morons and the judges are... out of this world. We've established already that the "winners" have as much commercial success as Big Brother winners, and probably earn less. What is it that keeps people auditioning? What keeps the public paying to vote? I'm genuinely baffled.

Children Suck

Oh, dearest GN, how I hath missed ye! TT touched on one of my favourite subjects this evening: the Baby Bonus. I cannot understand why parents should receive 4k for popping out a sprog. Sure, the twin miracles of conception and birth are a mighty blessing from a merciful and loving God and we should praise Him and Mary and the apostles who didn't betray the man with the long hair and the message of cheek turning. I hear that, and praise Allah while we're at it! Having narrowly averted parenthood myself, I know the feelings of doom and gloom that accompany the prospect of birthing a rugrat and caring for it until it turns 18 or kills you for not buying it a new Playstation. Kids are hard work, expensive hard work.

BUT IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO BREED, $4000 WILL NOT MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE ONCE YOU'VE GONE AND BLOWN IT ON A SECOND HAND PRAM, A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF XANAX AND THAT TRIP TO THE GOLD COAST.

If the government wants to create incentives for couples to pop out one for mum, one for dad and one for the pedo down the road, then it should act responsibly and increase access to government regulated (not fast eddy) childcare while providing incentives for employers to keep breeders on staff while their udders doth leak and their waters doth break.

So, the story tonight focused on a welfare mother breeding for the sake of Baby Bonus payments. Good on her! She clearly isn't fit for anything else and the world of tomorrow (one entirely bereft of welfare payments) needs hookers and cleaners. Also, possibly, drifters, but I'm not entirely sure of that last one. If you're going to get stuck into people's reasons for breeding and their ability to provide for their offspring then why not investigate the climbing class? The ones who have trendily named children because they want to outdo the other graduates in their Cert 3 Waitressing Studies class. The ones who'll work 70 hours a week, leaving their brats at home to be corrupted by the Internet and television, then whining about it to the press, in order to fund the cookie cutter houses and SUVs. The ones who teach their dreadful children that the pursuit of money, a big house in an outer suburb, an even bigger car (2, if possible) and regular credit card shopping sprees at tacky malls are life goals.

We fuck our children up in so many ways; why keep flogging the poor for it? Because they rely on welfare? Hell no. Middle Australia is horribly dependant on welfare to survive and is constantly screaming for more government money to fund their Australian Dream. I believe TT ran stories a while back calling for a petrol tax cut which would primarily benefit those who've chosen to live in the outer mortgage belt and drive several gas guzzling cars. The very people who receive more back in family benefits than they pay in tax. You know, the ones who purse their lips and narrow their eyes when discussing single mothers and dole bludgers.

How about we fund a petrol tax cut by ending middle class welfare? No? Damn.

Also, Australian Values test? That's cool, but make sure to penalise anyone who cannot pronounce it "Oshtrayan Vaoewes". It's downright unAustralian any other way!

Morning!

Two things today. Reading the SMH this morning I saw this linked on the main page and immediately thought "Oh, fuck, can't my family stay out of the news???" and was relieved to find out that the pervert was not related to me. Thank God. But just give it time....

I now have a moral judgment to pass. If GN and co knew that a child was set for the cooking pot and also knew of the difficulty of journalists remaining undiscovered in West Papua, surely they could have sent someone to rescue him and foregone the story in the interests of a child's life.... Let it go already! In the wake of the Irwin puncturing, I don't think Australia cares about a brown child.

Steven Irwin Fans - Teeth?

Watching the news this afternoon I was struck by something: Steve Irwin fans (at least the ones who'll spend the night in the rain for tickets to some hokey memorial service) lack teeth. They've not lost all their teeth, but your average Irwin fan is missing 2-4 visible teeth. How did they lose these teeth? Bar fights, punchups from the missus' new man, opening beer bottles in their mouth, runins with the law?

GAMBLING IS VERYVERYVERYVERYVERY BAD FOR YOU, KKKKKKKK?????

GN was absent on the one night I was able to watch TT. This made me cry.

Waking up at the ungodly hour of 6am today, I was able to catch the early morning news on Channel 10. Let me just take this chance to condemn the other networks for depriving me of my morning newshour (this was very important when I worked) because for some strange reason they think I want to see more of the chirpy breakfast hosts prattling on about the concerns of mummies, battlers, the dear wittle children, terrorists and rising interest rates. I do not want to hear about Mikkaeyliah and her sister Breeohneey and the terrible time they're having because the bank foreclosed on their parents' outer suburban mcmansion that had been remortgaged to pay for the big car, the Christian school fees and big screen televisions for each room of the house. This sort of thing belongs on current affairs tv which does a much better job of it.

Also, Melissa Doyle, I know that you're currently streets ahead of the Shebeast on that other network, and you have every right to be smug for the few years you have left before someone younger, blonder and dumber (I know, hard to imagine, but it'll happen!) comes along to fill your role. Koshie, of course, will be retained, despite being bald, fat and fucking ugly. Accept it. But I digress. Please, Melissa, shut up about your family.

Anyway, the fine people at 10 informed me that GN had been arrested in Indonesia for a cannibalism story, which I vaguely remember being covered by 60 Minutes a few months ago. I know I saw promos about the ugly bloke heading up into the jungle, whispering in a manner that was meant to convey his sensible terror and awing bravery at the same time; it was cannibalism, wasn't it? Or am I thinking of the time he went into Kerobokan Jail? Difficult!

10 made sure to use a very unflattering picture of GN, and remind us that she dated a conman (nicely juxtaposed with a clip of her screaming shame to all conmen), left Beaconsfield for the Logies, had a clip air on Triple J of her swearing like a sailor and wore khaki and had a filthy lizard on her shoulder when Steve Irwin died. I like the network's fair and unbiased coverage of stories, particularly when they are peadophile or competing network related. Bravo, 10!

Now, about the gamblers. Once again the nation's battlers are being taken for a ride by poker machines. I believe the reporter referred to them as "electronic bandits". Yup, you heard it hear. Bandits. I, personally, think that pokies are a brilliant idea and I wish I had invested in the electronic bandits at some point. The only people they hurt are bogans and their family, unlike smoking which makes me cough and splutter when a rude person dares to light up in near me. Or, even worse, walks down the street in front of me puffing away on his ciggie. Hey, man I bumped into last week and knocked into a fence? It wasn't an accident, and I hope you get lung cancer. I don't recall much of the story, but there were whistle blowers, some very scientific tests and a whole lot of whinging bogans.

Hail to the electronic bandit!

My sorry life

After rereading this post I realised how self-indulgent it sounded.

Uni is killing me and until I learn how to manage my time effectively, I will continue to be a muddled up lazybones.

I miss GN.